Another trip to Vandy but this time was different. This time it was Morgan. I told Will on the way that I was so tired of being afraid. He said at least that way I still knew I was alive. This is true. I guess I'd rather know fear and sorrow than to be numb to everything around me. That's kind of how I felt in July when Lane perfed the 2nd time, like it wasn't really happening. That was scary. Had I grown so accustomed to ambulance rides, ER's, surgeries, hospital stays and the fact that God could call Lane home any given day? Maybe it was God's way of helping me deal with the fact we were once again facing the very thing that altered the course of our lives forever when he 3 days old. The fear was there this past Sunday as Morgan battled a 104.1 fever and a very swollen neck. I watched again as one of my babies suffered through an IV. It took 4 people and 6 tries but they finally got it. It takes a toll on you after awhile. I'm tired of holding down a screaming baby while they're poked and prodded. She needed blood work and a CT scan with contrast. This revealed an abcess on one of her lymph nodes. I told Will as we pulled into the parking garage that worse case scenario would be IV antibiotics. Well, I was right about that but there was also a threat of surgery to drain it if the drugs didn't work. By the Grace of God they did work and we were released on Wednesday, with the oral version of the antibiotics she'd been taking and an appointment to go back to the ENT doctor in November.
We encountered many people we knew from our trips with Lane from the triage nurse to one of the ER docs, to our attending pediatrician, and one of the IV therapy guys. We were also taken back to the CT scan by the same guy who's carried Lane to radiology many times and even the guy doing the scan was the same one who did Lane's in July. Like Jean said we're on a 1st name basis with these people. Good? Bad? I don't know, but it's our life and I am learning every day to be grateful for it, as crazy as it is because it can be taken from you in an instant. Sometimes I still wish it were easier or different but then something scary happens and I find myself begging God to just let it go back to being "normal", our normal. I'm still a work in progress, still learning to be grateful, still learning to trust, still learning to be a better person. I've come a long way since October of '06 but the Lord is not finished with me yet. For my birthday Will gave me a picture that says "Choose you this day whom you will serve, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" Joshua 2:1-15 I wanted this as a reminder that God has carried us through the dark until we could see the light so often and that I need to serve Him at all times. I think that I still keep somewhat of an edge to me because I believe Lane Carter's purpose on this earth is to bring me (and others) to God and if I get to where I need to be Lane's work will be done and he will be called home. I've often wondered why, after all I've witnessed and learned, after all the grace and mercy I've been shown, why I still can't get it together. I think this is why. Maybe that's stupid but I have reached that conclusion. Maybe I just need help, maybe I'm crazy.
Morgan's stay was so very different from any of Lane's. We tried to make it an adventure for her. We took a trip to the playroom where, much to her delight, she found Legos she could actually play with! The princess found a castle she could go in with a little throne to sit on, and then found a dragon to pet. It was so cute to watch that sweet little hand reach out and pet a giant mosaic dragon. After all, doesn't every princess own a dragon? We fed her Ben & Jerry's ice cream 2 days in a row, showed her the butterfly garden, purchased a pig in the gift shop, visited the pharmacy and watched the trains. Strolled around the floor and downstairs, eating up all the attention she was getting.
I've always said I wanted her to be a nurse, maybe she just wanted a 1st hand look at what it was really like.
I read on my friend's blog that her dad reminded her that our kids are not our own, that they do in fact, belong to God and that He loves them even more than we do. This is true and we are LIVING proof that we have no idea what God's will is. So last Friday thru Wednesday, God had to gently remind me of this. That NO matter how crazy or hard or unfair you think your life might be, we must be grateful for the gifts in our lives, for the mercy we've been shown, the fact that God may let us hurt but he will NEVER abandon us and that we are all still a work in progress.
I am blessed beyond measure.

Maybe, Just Maybe...

We MIGHT go home tomorrow. I will believe it when I am handed discharge papers. So far today he has made it to his feeding goal, and seems to be tolerating it. His labs look good. they'll redraw them in the morning, hopefully nothing will have changed with any of his levels. Dr. Morgan came in and checked his wound. He is the best surgeon here, but I swear he forgot to close him up! I didn't know people could go around with that much of their tummy open. I know it's the top layer(s) of skin, but still. He felt that it looked good, like it was healing and with no sign of infection. I will now be learning to change a wet to dry dressing. Where's that honorary nursing degree? Lane has had some of the best blood pressures ever this go 'round. His vital signs continue to look good, little bit of a temp but I'm hoping it doesn't get out of hand. He's been pretty fussy at times today but finally settled down.
Debi came to visit us today. We were honored to have had her bring her camera and take some pictures of our little patient for her blog. There is a link to it on my facebook page. It was written with love and the pictures are great. I regret not having more pictures of Lane while we were in the NICU. I also wish I had started this back then. It would've been a great way to look back and see how far God has brought us. A way to remember and give thanks for the miracles we've seen. I know some people don't understand this, some would chose to forget but this journey has changed my life, for the better. There is healing in remembering, loss in forgeting.
I just changed my 1st dressing, and did alright with it. I'll get better with time. The 1st time Sarah made me change his ostomy bag was a joke. Before it was over I could almost change 'em in the dark. Lane humored me and was good during my attempt and now is sleeping peacefully. I think that sounds like a great idea. Good night all...

Our journey continues

So by the grace of God, Dr. Morgan is on call. He must be so tired of seeing Bill, Jean, Will & me in a waiting room. This makes the 6th time. He's done all but 2 of Lane's. Yes, you added correctly, he's had 8. Eight surgeries in 3 years and 7 mo, 2 of which were emergency due to a perforation. You have to question why an innocent child must endure all that he has had to. But back to the story at hand. I signed the consent forms and we went to the 3rd floor to wait. We were the only ones in there which was kind of weird. Of course it makes the 2nd time we've sat in there alone and that's not counting the 1st one back in Oct. of '06. Surgery started at 11:34 and by 1:45 or so Dr. Morgan was out talking to us. It went well and Lane remained stable throughout. He said he found a perforation in his stomach. I didn't know it could do that. It was about the size of a quarter and he didn't know why it happened. He said he didn't think the Baclofen pump was infected, which was a cause for concern earlier in the night. He also didn't find any more perforations in the intestines, even saying they looked remarkably good considering Lane's history. Dr. Morgan explained that he left the wound open so that it would heal with much less chance of infection that way. We are already battling an infection from the perf. we don't need the wound adding to our trouble. Said he would put him on medicine to control the acid in case an ulcer had caused all this. We thanked him again and told him to have a good trip. You see if this had happened Friday, Dr. Morgan would've been in North Carolina. God still has His hands on Lane.

Really?

I never thought I'd live part of my life twice but last Thursday I did just that. It wasn't exactly the same but eerily similar. Lane woke up at 3:00 screaming. We had a pretty rough night til 6:00 that morning. I thought well we're in for a bad day and went about my routine. I noticed his tummy was tight so I vented him but the tube looked fine. Throughout the day I could tell he was trying to throw up but with the Nissen he can't. Well I'll just give him Pedialyte for the rest of the night I thought. After the 4:00 feeding his shirt became soaked. Will thought his diaper had leaked but it was right over the Mic-key button. I sniffed it and said no, that's formula. I raised his shirt up to find the button protruding out of his tummy with lots of air escaping around it. "We need to change this" I said. Will vented him 1st and the tube overflowed. Will took the Mic-key button out and it started gushing. This is not normal. By this time Lane was having trouble breathing. Will listened to him and took his pulse. His temp. was 100.6. "We need to go" I said. "Call 'em" Will said.
Lane and I took our 3rd ambulance ride together. Recognizing the ER staff is your 1st sign that you have done this way too many times. He was given 2 intraoscular IV's. This is where it goes straight into the bone. He needed fluids and he needed them fast. His blood pressure was dropping and it was the quickest way too get them in him. The OR doc was gracious enough to let us stay while they intubated him. I got to watch and Will told me step by step what they were doing. I love my firefighter/EMT-IV! He was sent for a CT scan which revealed free air and fluid around the tummy. Really? You're telling me he perfed AGAIN? Twice in 3 1/2 years? Really? I just leaned on the table and asked if anyone knew what it was like to live their life twice? This was Oct. of '06 all over again. Except this time I was numb, it was like it was happening to someone else, like I was watching a TV show, especially in the ER. "We going to surgery?" I asked. "yes" the doctor replied. "Let's go" I said and walked off down the hall.
At that exact moment, 4 prayers were lifted up simultaneously by Will, Bill, Jean and myself, "God, please let Dr. Morgan be on call."
We were sent to a waiting room on the 5th floor. The door opens. Walter Morgan, dressed in scrubs, walks in. "There is a God"...

Just Breathe

Ever felt like the walls are closing in on you? That's how I feel right now. It's 12:30 at night and the only thing keeping me from walking out that door are sleeping in the next two rooms. That's not to say I wouldn't come back, of course I would, but I'd certainly make a run for it, if only for a little while...
Lane has spent most of the day screaming and what time he was calm he kept burying his face in the wedge. I guess I should have reminded him to just breathe too. At times I feel like that's all I can do.
Yesterday our neighbor came over and said she just needed to draw from my strength. She was having a very hard day caring for her mom. She wanted to know how I do it day in and day out. I told her her the truth. I don't know. I know that wasn't the awe inspiring answer she was looking for but it was real. I do it because there is no other choice, because that is what God's plan for my life is, because I love Lane. Why does anyone do what they do?
So Miss Charlotte, I hope your day was better. Mine sucked but if you were able to have a better day today by drawing from whatever strength you think I have, then it was worth it. I have had a long break from hell, I can take a few more days of it if it will ease someone else's burden.
I know this post is more rambling than usual but that's what no food, no sleep, too much alcohol and too much stress gets you. I'm the only one who reads it anyway.
You have no clue as to what someone's life is truly like unless you live it everyday with them. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

J. Alexander's anyone?

As usual when we're trapped in Vandy, Bill & Jean either bring us food or stay with Lane Carter while we escape for a little bit and go somewhere other than downstairs to eat. This time was no different except that because Will was on shift they decided to take me out to eat. After being assured that Lane would indeed be fine and that I had a whole floor of nurses to watch over him. I consented to go. Which now leads to the question "where?" Jean named several places, one of them being J. Alexander's. I said "you know if we go there, Morgan will be born tomorrow." Why is that?" they asked. I told them how the night before I was induced with Liam, Will took me to J. Alexander's to eat, then because I like tradition, he took me there the night before I was induced with Lane. We had even planned to go the night before I was supposed to be induced with Morgan but then Lane decided he needed to get Pneumonia, drop his sodium levels, check himself into Vandy and have my induction postponed. What a way to put off having a little sister! Anyway, we went and sure enough at 10:45 that night I woke up feeling bad. Turns out that this was the slow start to my labor, only I didn't realize it at the time. Between Lane & Morgan I stayed up all night. By Monday afternoon whatever was leaking was getting worse. We called Dr. Scott's office and left a message with Wendy. Lane's care partner convinced me to go eat and go home for a bit, that she'd stay with Lane. Either you'll have her or you'll come back here. I couldn't argue with this logic so we headed home. I called the triage nurse on the way and never got called back. I get home, take a bath and get ready to head to a hospital, I just didn't know if it was going to be Vandy or WMC. Will finally got a hold of the triage nurse and she said to go to the ER, tell them what was going on and they'd send me up to labor & delivery. In no time I was given a room, and a very stylish gown and told my nurse would be in soon to check to see if it was amniotic fluid. Sure enough it was. Well, I'm staying here tonight. Good Lord, Lane Carter is in Vandy and here I am. This was NOT how it was supposed to be! Brings us back to "man plans, God laughs". One day, one day I will learn that everything happens in His time, not ours.
I was given pitocin to speed things along and antibiotics because I'd been leaking for so long and had a fever there was a chance of infection. Dr. Scott was called even though she wasn't on call but couldn't be found so I had Dr. Ellington instead. She was awesome. I couldn't have asked for better care or a better delivery.
Everyone was called, arrangements made for Liam & Lane. Bill & Jean came. We like hanging out in hospitals together. Thought we'd give WMC a try for a change. Mallie soon arrived, I couldn't do this without her. She helped me get Liam & Lane here. She couldn't miss this one. After all this little girl was being named after her. Finally Susan arrived I had a lot of fun listening to Will, Mallie & Susan talk as I tried to stay awake. Epidurals should be considered the 8th wonder of the world. Maybe because I was in my drug induced happy place but it didn't seem that long before they said I was at a 10 and ready to go. Four pushes later, Miss Morgan Lellyette Farris came into this world. They laid her on my chest and we swear it sounded like she said "mom". Anyone who doesn't believe in love at 1st sight has never had a baby. She was so beautiful and perfect in my eyes. I had tried to distance myself from her thru the whole pregnancy because of all we'd been through with Lane Carter and Angel Baby. I learned the hard way not to take anything for granted. All that was over the moment they laid that little girl on me. I was completely in love. God had given us the greatest Christmas gift I'll ever receive. She was here and she was healthy and nothing else mattered. Over the next several days as I was surrounded by people I love. I felt more happiness than I'd known in a long time. But more than that I felt a profound sense of peace, that up until that moment, I wasn't sure I'd ever know again.
We came home on Dec. 23, Lane came home on Christmas Eve. I got my Christmas wish this year. I hope you got yours and I hope that at some point in their lives everyone gets to know the kind of peace I felt in the first few days after she was born. A sense that God is in His Heaven and all is right with the world.
God poured out his grace to me in abundance and I am forever thankful.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

Unrelenting disappointment makes the heart sick. Indeed it seems to deaden a part of the spirit. "but a desire fulfilled is like a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12. The kind of life you might have convinced yourself you'd never know again. God gave me one of my heart's greatest desires on December 22, 2009 as Morgan Lellyettte Farris made her entrance into this world. I have prayed for this day for almost 3 years and though ultimately my prayer was answered it was not without some trials. As I look back over the year I am once again amazed at the way God works in my life. On December 20th 2008, I found out we were having a baby. I was so excited but decided to wait until Christmas Eve to tell Will. I couldn't wait to surprise him with this Christmas miracle. I bought him a lighter to engrave the baby's birthdate on and even wrote him a poem to tell him. He was so happy. The hope of new life filled me with so much joy. Christmas Eve was perfect. That night I knew what it meant to sleep in Heavenly peace. On January 23 I went to Dr. Scott and heard the words no mother ever wants to hear. "I'm a little concerned, I can't find the baby's heartbeat". I was sent for a more in depth ultrasound and it was confirmed that there wasn't one there. I walked out of that office numb. Why would God give me what He knew I wanted so badly only to take it from me? Have I not paid my dues with Lane Carter? "Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of thine heart" Hadn't I done that? I held up my end (or so I thought) now where was my prize? Snatched from me before I even really had time to realize what I'd been given. I confided in only 3 people that this had happened. I knew they could help me try to understand that this was God's will. On the 26th of Jan. I went in for my D&C. This experience left me with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. Time soon healed me physically and for the most part emotionally. Every now & then something would remind me and the sadness would wash over me like an ocean wave but I never let it pull me in. We had genetic testing done to find out what was wrong and if we should try again. Dr. Scott herself called one night with the results. The baby had Trisomy 13 and wouldn't have lived even if it made thru the pregnancy. It would have had many serious health problems as well as being severly delayed. "Do you want to know what it was?" she asked. "Yes" I answered' "It was a little girl" she said. I hung up the phone and tried to take all this in. I guess God knew how hard having 2 special needs kids would be if she even lived and He certainly knew how hard it would be to loose one. So He spared me all the pain, in a way but why put me thru it in the first place? When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to recieve something greater.
Fast forward to March of '09. It worked! I'm having a baby! Now comes the hard part. Trust in the Lord enough to believe it will be healthy. I prayed the same prayer every day. "Lord, let it live and not have Hirschsprung's and please let it be a typically developing baby." With every passing week and good appointment it seemed as if we might be granted a miracle. On August 23, we had a party to reveal what we were having. Mallie cut into the cake to find a pink baby rattle! It's a girl! This was the 1st of many "coincidences". If you know me, you know I don't believe in coincidences. Every thing happens the way it does for a reason. God took one little girl from us only to let us find out that we were being given another one. You see August 23 would have been her due date. Now it's December 20, I wake up feeling sick and uncomfortable. I hurt but didn't know exactly what it was and something was slowly leaking. This was my water breaking but since I've never gone into labor on my own and it wasn't a big gush, I didn't know that's what it was. "Coincidence" #2, December 20 of '08 is when I found out about Angel Baby as we call her. One year ago to the day. And Finally Morgan has a little red spot on the back of her head. Lane had one when he was born and Mallie said it was his angel's kiss. I took great comfort in this thought as he fought to live. It made me feel as if he had someone special watching over him, who I don't know, but someone. I believe Morgan's is from her sister. Just a little reminder that she will always be watching over her until the day comes that we can all meet her. I believe God gave me the little girl He wanted me to have, maybe with many of the same traits as Angel Baby but in a strong and healthy body. Morgan is here, she is "fearfully and wonderfully made", beautiful and healthy. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow...