This has been a very difficult week. Lane's seizures seem to be increasing in intensity and now he cries and cries afterward. It's hard to calm him, nothing I do seems to help. Eventually he gets over it on his own but this can take up to a hour, sometimes longer. I hate the feeling of complete helplessness that plagues me as of late. It reminds me of those few months after we came home from the NICU, when he cried for hours and nothing calmed him. That was the lonliest time I've ever known and every bit as scary as the NICU, in some ways more so because I didn't have the security of the doctors & nurses. It was just me, Lane and the Lord above. It was also during this time that it seemed as if God had stepped back and was waiting to see what I would do. Would I bow before a God that allows this to happen or would I walk away. Well obviously I didn't walk away. How could I after all I'd witnessed since Oct., after all the times God carried all of us during those days . Don't they say the stronger the faith, the surer the assails will be? Well I was pretty sure this was some kind of test, like Job was put to. Even after all the loss he suffered he never turned from God. "Thou He slay me yet will I trust Him". I was determined to pass my test then and I will pass it now, as hard as it is at times. I'm by no means saying that this faith of mine poured out of me and I never once questioned God's will. Believe me I did on more than one occasion. Believing in God's purpose doesn't change the fact that there are going to be things missing in the vision we have for our lives and when they are gone, the agony , we can be sure will be deep, I convinced myself during those endless nights that God's plan for our lives was so much greater than anything I could envision. After all "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29;11 It was up to me to decide if I was going to go around quoting things like this because it sounded good or was I going to truly BELIEVE? As the days faded into one another I chose to believe. Faith is what got us this far. Lane could've been taken from us on any given day for those 3 months but God saved him and let him come home. Yes, there was more to this story.
What does that have to do with now? The same fear and feelings of helplessness are haunting me again. We have tummy issues and seizure issues and pump issues and fluid issues. I can't tell what bothers him when he cries for me now and I can't fix it. All I can do is hold him and cry too and of course pray that God will hold Lane through this and that yet again we will all be made stronger for this trial. We have faced much worse.
You see, I've been broken. Broken enough that I can't hold onto anything but the hand of Jesus when He stretches it out. That is all I can do now, but really, isn't that enough?
