Another trip to Vandy but this time was different. This time it was Morgan. I told Will on the way that I was so tired of being afraid. He said at least that way I still knew I was alive. This is true. I guess I'd rather know fear and sorrow than to be numb to everything around me. That's kind of how I felt in July when Lane perfed the 2nd time, like it wasn't really happening. That was scary. Had I grown so accustomed to ambulance rides, ER's, surgeries, hospital stays and the fact that God could call Lane home any given day? Maybe it was God's way of helping me deal with the fact we were once again facing the very thing that altered the course of our lives forever when he 3 days old. The fear was there this past Sunday as Morgan battled a 104.1 fever and a very swollen neck. I watched again as one of my babies suffered through an IV. It took 4 people and 6 tries but they finally got it. It takes a toll on you after awhile. I'm tired of holding down a screaming baby while they're poked and prodded. She needed blood work and a CT scan with contrast. This revealed an abcess on one of her lymph nodes. I told Will as we pulled into the parking garage that worse case scenario would be IV antibiotics. Well, I was right about that but there was also a threat of surgery to drain it if the drugs didn't work. By the Grace of God they did work and we were released on Wednesday, with the oral version of the antibiotics she'd been taking and an appointment to go back to the ENT doctor in November.
We encountered many people we knew from our trips with Lane from the triage nurse to one of the ER docs, to our attending pediatrician, and one of the IV therapy guys. We were also taken back to the CT scan by the same guy who's carried Lane to radiology many times and even the guy doing the scan was the same one who did Lane's in July. Like Jean said we're on a 1st name basis with these people. Good? Bad? I don't know, but it's our life and I am learning every day to be grateful for it, as crazy as it is because it can be taken from you in an instant. Sometimes I still wish it were easier or different but then something scary happens and I find myself begging God to just let it go back to being "normal", our normal. I'm still a work in progress, still learning to be grateful, still learning to trust, still learning to be a better person. I've come a long way since October of '06 but the Lord is not finished with me yet. For my birthday Will gave me a picture that says "Choose you this day whom you will serve, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" Joshua 2:1-15 I wanted this as a reminder that God has carried us through the dark until we could see the light so often and that I need to serve Him at all times. I think that I still keep somewhat of an edge to me because I believe Lane Carter's purpose on this earth is to bring me (and others) to God and if I get to where I need to be Lane's work will be done and he will be called home. I've often wondered why, after all I've witnessed and learned, after all the grace and mercy I've been shown, why I still can't get it together. I think this is why. Maybe that's stupid but I have reached that conclusion. Maybe I just need help, maybe I'm crazy.
Morgan's stay was so very different from any of Lane's. We tried to make it an adventure for her. We took a trip to the playroom where, much to her delight, she found Legos she could actually play with! The princess found a castle she could go in with a little throne to sit on, and then found a dragon to pet. It was so cute to watch that sweet little hand reach out and pet a giant mosaic dragon. After all, doesn't every princess own a dragon? We fed her Ben & Jerry's ice cream 2 days in a row, showed her the butterfly garden, purchased a pig in the gift shop, visited the pharmacy and watched the trains. Strolled around the floor and downstairs, eating up all the attention she was getting.
I've always said I wanted her to be a nurse, maybe she just wanted a 1st hand look at what it was really like.
I read on my friend's blog that her dad reminded her that our kids are not our own, that they do in fact, belong to God and that He loves them even more than we do. This is true and we are LIVING proof that we have no idea what God's will is. So last Friday thru Wednesday, God had to gently remind me of this. That NO matter how crazy or hard or unfair you think your life might be, we must be grateful for the gifts in our lives, for the mercy we've been shown, the fact that God may let us hurt but he will NEVER abandon us and that we are all still a work in progress.
I am blessed beyond measure.