Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Well here we are again. Another night in Vandy. This time it's seizures that brings us here. Our day started at 5:30 or so with what we thought was a typical Lane seizure. It wasn't. He just couldn't seem to come out of one before he'd go right into another. We gave him the Dyastat that I was hoping we'd never have to use and then called 911. In just a little bit Lane and I found ourselves in an ambulance " one time emergency to Vandy Peds, one rider onboard." Yes, I've listened to that scanner way too much. He was calm, stable and seizure free all the way. His heart rate was at times 200 which is very high but understandable due to the seizures. I got to hold the oxygen to him to help bring it down. Now I can say I've assisted in the back of an ambulance. The paramedic said he liked to involve the parents because it helped keep them calm. Darn, I thought he was letting me help because I was so calm. I admire anyone who can do anything in the back of an ambulance going 80+ miles an hour. It's not easy to hold Oxygen steady let alone anything else. We arrived to a roomful of people waiting for us and began our assessment. Before long my beautiful boy was completely relaxed, awake, alert and smiling more than I've seen in a long time. Every time I'd cough, which was alot, he'd grin real big. That smile of his could light the world. All of a sudden though he stopped, turned very red and became very stiff. His heart rate was 199. Three meds and 30 minutes later he finally stopped seizing. This little episode earned us an EEG and an overnight stay. Both of which I was glad for. I need answers and maybe the EEG will give us some. I can't push IV drugs at home and that's what it took to bring him out of it. He remained stable throughout but if he hadn't they have the means to help him. He's been fine since. We get to go home tomorrow if we have a good night.
So why did I entitle this "somewhere over the rainbow"? " Because somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops... Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly,why then oh why can't I?" There is so much I don't understand. Why does every day seem to be harder than the last? Why must an innocent child suffer so. Will it only get worse? How will I care for him when he's bigger than me? I could go on but you get the idea. But amidst my fears lies the one thing I know for certain with a childlike faith. One day my dreams of a seizure free, happy ,perfectly healthy beautiful baby boy with eyes as blue as the sky will come true. One day Lane Carter will walk and talk and laugh and play. One day Lane Carter will fly... Somewhere over the Rainbow...