It's 6:00 in the morning. As I sit here tired from having not slept again last night, a hundred things on my mind, wondering when the next seizure will hit Lane again, he's had 2 already this morning, the sound of sirens shatters the stillness. "At least they're not coming here" I think. Followed by "Lord help whoever they're going to." I used to love that sound, part of being a firefighters wife I guess, now it makes me sad. In the beginning, it was the excitement of it all. I'd watch Will & his friends get a call, grab their gear and race out of the squad building, I was carried away with this new way of life, filled with pride that my Will and the other guys were on the way to help, be the heroes for a short while. Now I always pray that whoever is waiting on them gets the help they need. I've been on that end 3 times now with Lane and you never know when we'll go again. Part of me still finds the excitement in the medical part of it but now more than ever I know the sorrow and fear that usually follows the sound I once loved.
Lane has so many bad mornings, so many seizures. WHY can't we get these under control? How much worse will they get? I fear I already know the answer to that. Why did Dr. Mencio leave the decision whether or not to have hip surgery for Lane up to us? I am NOT an orthopeadist or a PT for God's sake. Why can't someone just tell me what he needs? Why do I have to pray the exact same prayer over and over every day for the past 3 years? The only thing that ever changes is the symptoms I'm asking God to relieve for that innocent little boy. My faith waivers on some days, a fact that I'm not proud of but will admit to. Other days it is the rock I stand on. Obviously I am still a work in progress on this journey of faith. I've come a long way but have such a long way to go. Will I ever get there? I pray so, Lane is here to teach us all the most important lesson anyone will ever learn. The reward for all the hell we've gone thru? Eternal life in Heaven with our Father and all those we've loved. I mustn't lose the faith I've clung to for 3 years even when I've felt the devil's presence so strongly here lately. That's a very unsettling feeling but I guess it's all part of the great test we're put to every day.
I still catch glimpses of the Lord at work and it is still the most awesome thing in the world but it's harder now. I guess I don't look for them as hard as I did during our 3 month incarceration in the NICU but if you allow yourself to, you WILL see. On Oct. 30 I was called by Lane's teacher and told that he was having a lot of trouble breathing. He was scared and crying and getting choked and thus creating a vicious cycle. I picked him up and took him to the doctor. While waiting a lady came in with her son and noticed Lane. At 1st it was the usual "oh, I love his hair!" comment then she asked if he was sick. I said yes and briefly retold why we were there. She sat down and started talking to her son then came back over to us. She asked if she could pray for Lane. Of course I said yes. She laid her hands on him and asked the Lord to heal him, make him as He intended for him to be and asked for the peace that passes all understanding for both of us. It was very beautiful, much more eloquent than I described it. You want to know the cool part? He stopped crying and wheezing after that. He wound up being diagnosed with RSV but no x-rays were ordered, no trip to Vandy and best of all it was the last time he made that awful gasping for air sound. What is it about laying your hands on someone that's sick while you pray? I still don't know the answer to that, other than it instructs us to do so in the Bible I believe but I do know it seems to be very effective. I've tried it here since then with Lane and seen results more quickly. Well there goes seizure # 3 of the morning. Ok we've now had 4 seizures and it's still so early. This is what makes me so mad. There I've said it. I am mad at God for this whole seizure thing. I know without a doubt that He CAN heal my baby with a whisper, stop these from tormenting him. What I don't understand is why WON'T He? I do hope being mad at God doesn't buy me a ticket to hell after all the times He's carried us on this journey, all the mercy He's shown us, but it's heartbreaking to watch your baby in so much pain and fear when there's not a damn thing you can do to make it stop. I do so long for some glimmer of hope and happiness in the days that lie ahead. Right now I feel torn between clinging to the faith that's brought me thus far or turning and walking away. The consequences of either choice are eternal. But then I look at that precious child, that red haired, blue eyed angel with a heart as pure as the driven snow and choose. For now, one more time, I will reach out and take the hand of Jesus and ask for forgivness. Even if I struggle to find it in the darkness that surrounds my world as of late.
No comments:
Post a Comment