Another Christmas miracle needed

Once again we find ourselves in need of another Christmas miracle. It is Dec. 9 and Lane has bi-lateral pneumonia, low blood pressures and a widespread infection, possibly in the blood. We knew he was getting sick and tried to tell the pediatrician he had pneumonia. She wanted to treat him as an asthmatic and prescribed Pulmicort daily. Said he sound worse than he was because it was all upper congestion. We saw an ENT and a pulmonologist. They both sent us on our way. Guess you have to be an EMT-IV and a wanna be nurse mama to diagnose your child's correctly. Stupid people. So here we are in ICU, on a vent. Again.

I have a baby girl that's going to turn 2 on the 22nd,who deserves a party. I have a 3 little kids and 0 little presents and a child that is having to fight yet again to live. Can someone please tell me why none of this seems to bother me? I prayed last night that God would take this numbness and replace it with hurt and fear and the faith I once had. Maybe I know that in the end Morgan will get her party, Santa will indeed come and the magic of Christmas will fill our home once again. As far as Lane goes, well, how many times has he proved them wrong? I know he's sick but I'm counting on God to tell me when it's his turn for our angel again. Ultimately, I know Lane is not ours, none of them are, they belong to God and He will want Lane back someday. Despite it all I just didn't feel that May was it, I don't feel this is it either. I pray God will allow Lane to tell us and that He will back that up. God does speak if you shut up and listen long enough. At any rate, I just wish I could feel God holding on to me, I KNOW He's got Lane, He's never let go of him. I just don't feel His presence like I used to. How I yearn to...how I yearn for peace and rest and mercy for that beautiful baby.