Baby steps

Take it slow people, take it slow. This is my prayer for the next day or two. Lane is doing better, off the antibiotics as they feel this is all viral, off the Norepi (BP med), on minimal vent settings and even breathing over it. He is still swollen and his output is not what it should be. We have to get rid of some of this fluid before they try to extubate. He probably wouldn't succeed if they were to try with all this fluid he is still retaining. This is where the fear comes in. We said they have one chance for a successful extubation. If he isn't able to breathe on his own and should require a 2nd intubation we have chosen not to put Lane through that. With that being said I now get to live in fear that they'll try too soon and if they would just wait a little longer he'd be ok. I can't live with myself if I thought it was our fault, pushing him when all he might need is a few more days. I know that he's breathing over it and that the longer it stays the greater the chance of infection and he sure don't need that BUT... You can't push Lane. Every time it comes back to haunt you. Learn from the past people and don't cost my baby his life trying to be aggressive in his care.

I know that Dr. Strolher understands this and will have Lane in optimal shape before he even considers extubation but it's still scary.

People are always telling Lane to fight. How many times is he expected to do so? Did anyone ever consider that he might be tired? I know I have. I told him in May that if he was tired it was ok, that he could let go and I'd see him again one day. He showed me that he wasn't ready. He had a great summer, did so well in school, blew bubbles for his friends and saw how much he was loved and how many lives he's touched on Oct. 10 as nearly 100 people came to celebrate the miracle that is his life. Now we're back to being sick all the time. God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. I am grateful for this. As we are once again faced with heartbreaking decisions. May the grace and mercy of our Lord fall fresh upon us.