This morning began with a sense of peace, hope for a good day. The sun shone brightly and it was so warm. I sent Liam & Lane off to school, happy that Liam knew all of his spelling words. By 9:30 or so Kristi was calling me on her phone. You know this is not gonna be good. He had coughed up a lot of crap just like last night and since I forgot to send the suction machine I needed to go get him. I spent the next 11 1/2 hours suctioning, checking his sats, giving a breathing treatment, and giving him oxygen for the 1st time. I am proud to say that I successfully deep suctioned him for the 1st time today by myself! I must admit that I had a pretty smart EMT-IV ( AKA daddy) on the phone telling me what to do. He taught me how to measure so I'd know how far to go in. That made it SO much easier and took all the fear out of it. I still don't like the feeling of resistance that you have to push thru but I'm sure I'll get over that soon. It is empowering to know you now KNOW you can do one more thing to help your baby. Now if I just could confidently listen to him...
I am thankful to have the oxygen here, to be honest, I'm suprised he's gone this long without it. I'm pretty sure it's kept us out of Vandy tonight. He was just having a hard time maintaining his sats without it. I just worry that with each recurring illness his baseline is lowered. I wonder if there will come a day that he will require it all the time. It makes me sad.
There were a couple of times tonight that despite having the O2 he was clearly working to breathe. I saw the same fear in those deep blue eyes that I saw in May. It is a look that has haunted me ever since and probably always will.
So for now, just as I have every day I've been granted with him, I watch and wait. Standing guard.
1 comment:
What a beautiful story. Two people fighting for life... Fighting to survive... One day you'll se the sunset over the mountais as those who have won the battle. :)
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